Recalibrating
This is a more personal post than usual, but I think it’s worth writing down.
Earlier this year, around March, I had the first proper health scare of my life. I checked myself into the ER and spent a week in the hospital, being monitored and tested. I won’t go into much detail about it here, but it looks like I’m alright now, pending a few final checkups later this month.
After returning home, the (apparently) most stereotypical thing happened: I unconsciously began reevaluating parts of my life and taking action. It seems this is something some people do when they think they’re on their way out, but I began selling my stuff and giving a lot of it away to friends. Additionally, mostly subconsciously (but a behavioral pattern I now recognize), I began pushing people away, even those closest to me. I didn’t want attention and just wanted to be left alone. I only told a handful of people that I was even in the hospital, and never really revealed the severity of what had happened, just to keep the appearance of the status quo intact.
And so, by my own design, time passed, I went back to work, and nothing really changed. Well, except for me. By keeping people out of the loop, their perceptions of me remained identical, while my internal life had been completely uprooted.
Anyway, what did I learn from all of this? So far, the number one takeaway is that I don’t want to spend my own time doing things I don’t like to do. Pretty simple, but it may have some side effects.
Owning and maintaining open source projects isn’t something I think I like. Even small MkDocs plugins like the ones I maintain. It feels like work outside of work. I’m going to take an indefinite break from them.
By extension, any kind of coding outside of work that doesn’t involve me being creative seems like a waste of time. If I’m not enjoying it, why do I do it? It feels performative and inauthentic. I got into programming in the 90’s for fun, and I simply don’t do fun programming anymore.
In the last few months, I’ve been reading, writing, and quitting social media. I think it has helped me recalibrate a bit after a pretty intense period. Being too online tends to polarize me and isn’t beneficial to my mental health. Because of this, I think this blog, unread as it is, may eventually take a more personal direction.